Lifetime surfer smashes surfer gear guide Gizmodo in a wild spray, “If you want to wear a hooded towel and dress like a big baby, you might as well wear a diaper to go with it!”

Nothing screams VAL like swinging to the beach with a board in a travel cover on the roof of your car. What are you, a pro?

Inspired by recent Buyer’s Guide to Gizmodo, here’s the local grumpy surfads buyer’s guide for summer

Surfing has always been fueled by consumerism. Materialist. From Gidget to Kong to Torryn Martin, everyone is selling something. The pursuit itself is capitalistic at its core. It couldn’t be more selfish if he tried.

I’m not going to deny it. If I calculated all the money I’ve spent on surfing over the years, I could probably order a custom Christensen.

But this recent buyer’s guide from gizmodo was something else entirely.

Did you catch it?

The surfwear handbook for outdoor sports enthusiasts.

Recommendations for Best New Quiver (~$3k). Combinations (~$1k). Fins (~$300). Surf sandals (~$140). Surf backpack (~$95). Surf Skateboard (~$240). “Change Dress” ($215). 3000+ words and $5000 later, you too can be a surfer.

It’s so easy.

Today’s VAL is predisposed to adorning head-to-toe surf merch in ways we haven’t seen lately. Yes, this may be a phase you went through in your early teens. Surf decals scribbled on your textbooks. Stickers taking up every square inch of space in your fridge.

But these guys and girls are adults. Cashed. New planks on the roof of the Tesla. Pop-up notifications on their smartphone for r/surfing reddit updates. Rip Curl tidemaster synchronized with Surfline cameras so you never miss a wave. Dressed as 11-year-olds leaving for their first school camp.

It’s wild.

With that in mind, here’s my grumpy local buyer’s guide to 2023.

Caveat emptor.

10-12 used boards in your shed that you never ride
Randomly stacked on top of each other. Ready to crumble into a heap at any moment.

The boards in your quiver should each have design elements and features specific to a type of condition, to provide an endless cycle of excuses as to why you messed up that last wave.

“Ah shit, that spoonfish has too much bulk through the tail. I should have ridden the five-finned bat-tailed bonzer with its nose beaked. Idiot.”

No all-rounders. It would be too easy. You’re not doing this for fun.

A notable exception will be made here for the low-key scammer who gets regular boards from their local shaper and always orders the same spray in order to confuse nosy spouses who might be concerned about the amount of new boards purchased.

A rare example where gratuitous consumerism is actively tolerated.

A powerful gesture.

Two combinations.
Black. Any. Interchangeable depending on which one is wetter. Remember: you never want to deal with it properly. Going out after every surf is good. But anything beyond that is just greedy.

What are you, a fucking pro or what? Calm down, asshole.

Boardshorts. Also black.
In fact, the only acceptable combination of surfing gear is a full-length steamer, vest, and/or boardshorts. Any other combination is far too secular.

What are you, a fucking pro or what? Calm down, asshole.

Wet bag for wetsuit
It’s not for putting on your wetsuit. No no no. Your combination bag is used to store random flippers, flipper keys, empty zinc and sunscreen containers, wax, coins, soy sauce container lids, etc. Much like the sanity of a middle-aged surfer, it should be filled with the detritus of everyday life and left to ferment.

At some point it will form a smooth residue of seawater, melted wax, disintegrated cardboard and abandoned childhood dreams. Only to occasionally spill into a stream of toxic filth, damaging anyone unlucky enough to be near it.

At this point, you can empty it and start the process again.

Happy Days. Until they are no longer.

You should actually spend some money here, to be fair. As one enters one’s fifties and observes firsthand the effects of the paternal past, vanity comes to the fore again. I started stealing my wife’s Loreal Tan zinc. I don’t know how much it costs, but. Bronzed zinc is also good because you can leave it on after surfing and it acts like a foundation. The wrinkles are gone!

Block of Sex Wax which only exists in two states: still in the box or less than 1/8th remaining.
There is no in-between.

Sedan or SUV that can fit your entire quiver inside
Roof racks are for losers. Boards should only go on the roof if you are traveling long distances in some form of family vacation/rental car as part of a surf travel setup. Get ready and buy a car that fits your boards inside for everyday use.

Nothing screams VAL like swinging to the beach with a board in a travel cover on the roof of your car.

Where did you travel from? Your house? Five minutes by car?

What are you, a pro? Calm down, asshole.

Also, if your wife/husband/child/significant other doesn’t spend every day to and from the beach with her face stuck in the passenger side window by the three boards you cleverly positioned between the folded seats, you’re clearly not engaged in this life of ours.

old towels
Exists in two states: soaked or as dry and rigid as a cardboard box. As I mentioned in the comments to the original Gizmodo article, if you want to wear a hooded towel and dress like a big baby, you might as well wear a diaper to go with it.

For leaving angry comments about covid lockdowns, WSL commentators and trans athletes in sport on various online surfing forums. But not a fancy new iphone. Probably one of those basic HTC bricks.

Or, as I sometimes like to imagine, a Blackberry with a stylus. Tapping furiously under the fold. As if your demented ramblings matter one iota as we descend into World War III.

What else?

Previous Harry Enfield and Jo Brand among returning stars for Friday Night Live special
Next Honda unveils all-new Prologue EV design